Matchmaking
by xxanglophilexx
Summary: Lily and James play matchmaker for Remus and Sirius. Dialogue fic, MWPP, RLSB & JPLE.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: A three-part dialogue fic with James and Lily as matchmakers. Slash, RLSB. If you don't like it, don't read it.

Disclaimer: If I was JK Rowling, I would not be posting this here. I own nothing.

"Tell me."

"Tell you what?"

"Tell me what's wrong with you."

"Well, my hair is limp today. I ran out of volumizing shampoo."

"Be serious."

"I _am _Sirius."

"You do know that joke got old seven years ago, right?"

"I can't help it. You always set yourself up for it."

"Yeah, yeah. But what is wrong with you, Pads?"

"Besides my hair's lack of volume, nothing. I'm actually passing every class."

"You would be, with all of that time you've been studying with Moony."

"Yeah, Moony's been a help."

"…"

"…"

"Stop that."

"Stop what?"

"That whole whimsically staring off into space thing."

"'Whimsically'?"

"It was in a novel Lily gave to me."

"You are whipped, Prongs, if she's getting you to read."

"I chased after her for years, and it just now occurs to you that I'm whipped?"

"No, I always knew. I just decided to mention it now."

"Whatever. Now, stop changing the subject."

"What subject?"

"What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing, except for my sadly flat hair. We've already discussed that."

"'What's wrong with you?' is the subject that we got off of!"

"Oh. No need to get exasperated, Prongsy. Same thing, already covered."

"There is something wrong with you, and I know it's not just your hair. It was volumized yesterday, and the day before yesterday, and the day before the day before yesterday, and Merlin knows how many more days before!"

"Breathing, James. It's good for you."

"…"

"I am not giving you CPR."

"You gave Moony CPR last week."

"Of course I gave Moony CPR. I was going to give that expanding chocolate ball to Crabbe, but Moony grabbed it first. I should have known not to leave chocolate out before a full moon. His chocolate addiction rivals a woman's. I couldn't let him die, so I gave him CPR."

"Pads, he wasn't choking! He spit out the chocolate before you got to him!"

"Well, excuse me if I was too concerned about our friend dying to notice that the threat had been removed."

"Relax. No need to be defensive."

"…"

"Sirius?"

"…"

"Oh, come on. And stop trying to avoid this! I know your hair is limp, and now I'm breathing. I'm your best mate. I deserve to know."

"What if I don't want to tell you?"

"Too bloody bad."

"You aren't going to give up, are you?"

"No."

"Fine."

"Well?"

"Okay. What's wrong with me."

"Stop putting it off!"

"Fine."

"…"

"…"

"…and?"

"Okay. It's just…I've been having these…_feelings._"

"Really specific, Pads."

"I'm getting to it!"

"Fine."

"…"

"Well?"

"I've been having these feelings about…this person."

"And it keeps getting better…"

"Sod off."

"Fine, fine."

"So…these feelings for this person…they've been…different."

"Pads, telling me that you have different feelings for a person isn't specific. Tell me. You need to…'express your feelings to lighten the burden resting heavily upon your unstable shoulders.'"

"Jim, are you reading that off your hand?"

"Yeah. I wrote it down to help convince you to confess. It's from that psychiatry book that Lily gave me in fifth year when she thought that my obsession over her was a mental issue."

"It must be if she's getting you to read novels with the word 'whimsical' in them and _A Textbook Guide for Psychos._"

"The title was _A Textbook Guide for the Mentally Unstable._"

"Same thing, bigger words."

"Whatever. Now, release your burden."

"I already told you that I have different feelings for a person. What more do you need?"

"You're not lifting the burden."

"Will you shut it about the burden? My shoulders are very stable, thank you, and unburdened."

"You have a burden! You have a burden!"

"If I tell you, will you stop singing?"

"Possibly."

"That better be a yes."

"It mi-ight beeeeee!"

"Shut it!"

"…"

"…"

"Padfoot?"

"Oh, fine."

"…"

"So…these different feelings I've been having…they've been…really specific. Only-for-one-person-ever specific."

"What exactly do you feel around them?"

"…"

"…"

"I don't know. I just feel…all weird."

"How 'all weird'?"

"You are prying into my personal feelings."

"Have we established that I don't care?"

"By now, yes."

"…"

"So…it's like…like my stomach is all messed up. When they're around. It does these weird things, like flips and somersaults and stuff. Only a bunch of chocolate frogs are jumping around with the somersaults, and I feel like throwing up…but I don't want to because it feels kind of good."

"Sirius, never become a poet. Your similes are awful."

"You wanted me to describe it."

"Well, go on."

"Okay…sometimes my chest…it feels fluttery. But sometimes it starts too…compress."

"Like when you see them with another person?"

"Yeah. When that happens."

"Like how I felt when I saw other guys flirting with Lily?"

"Yeah. I want to physically harm them, like when you hexed Lowe for asking Evans out."

"And when _you _hexed Porter for teasing Moony about his lack of a love life?"

"The slimy git deserved it."

"Hey, hey! Stop growling! We're having a conversation, and it's impossible for you to be civilized once your animal instincts kick in."

"Fine."

"Calm?"

"Calm."

"So we've established that you have different feelings for a specific person, and that said feelings make you feel like throwing up in a good way, have your heart fluttering, and make you want to disembowel anyone that flirts with them?"

"Good recap, Prongs."

"I thought it was pretty good."

"Now, don't get cocky. Besides, when exactly did I mention my heart feeling fluttery?"

"You said that your chest feels fluttery, and your heart is in your chest."

"Good point."

"I do make many of those."

"Don't let it go to your already swelled head."

"That was Snivellus's fault! He slipped that potion into my pumpkin juice."

"Actually…that was me."

"…"

"Sorry about that."

"I probably deserved it in some way."

"After the way you've been interrogating me, I'd say that you more than deserved it."

"I prefer to call it 'helping'. And since I've already annoyed you and my head is swelled, why don't you finish the feelings confession?"

"I'm not confessing my feelings. I'm just doing this stupid 'burden lifting' to get you off my back."

"Then just finish lifting the burden. You've already done most of it."

"What more do you need?"

"More description and Dr. Prongs may be able to make his diagnosis."

"Diagnosis? What, I start lifting the bloody burden and this becomes a therapy session?"

"Language, Padfoot. Calm down."

"…"

"…"

"Okay. I'm calm, I'm calm."

"Good. Now…"

"Stop with the prompting. I'll go on."

"…"

"…"

"And…"

"…"

"Oh, stop the dirty look. I wouldn't have to prompt you if you would just speak."

"You know I'm not very good at this whole 'feelings' thing. Moony is the only one of us who can manage that."

"Of course."

"Hey, what's with that?"

"What's with what?"

"That smug look!"

"I don't look smug!"

"Yes, you do!"

"How do you know what smug looks like if you're so bad with feelings?"

"I didn't say you _felt _smug. I said you _looked _smug. My sight is just fine."

"Okay, so your sight is fine. I guess the real problem is that you're a wimp."

"…"

"Pads, stop looking at me like that."

"Like what?"

"Don't play innocent! You're growling."

"I am _not _a wimp."

"Sure."

"I am _not _a wimp."

"Of course."

"I am _not _a wimp."

"I get it."

"I am _not _a wimp."

"Getting a little redundant now, Sirius."

"Just because my heart starts beating faster, my palms get sweaty, my mouth gets dry, and my stomach feels like it's been filled with those giant flesh-eating butterflies every time he walks into the room, I feel like a bloody romance novel when he's around, and I would hex _anyone _into oblivion who hurt him, or flirted with him, or even _thought _about hurting or flirting with him doesn't mean I'm a wimp!"

"If you weren't a wimp, then you would finally admit that you were in love with Moony and snog him senseless already!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"G-get o-off of m-me. I c-can't br-breathe."

"How did you know?"

"If you got off my lungs, maybe I could—"

"HOW?"

"Okay, okay. Pads, it was just obvious."

"Does he know? Did you tell him? I'm going to kill you!"

"N-no need for that. He doesn't know. Yet."

"Yet? James Potter, I—"

"_I'm _not going to tell him."

"Then who else knows? Peter? You told Pete? I'm going to bloody kill him!"

"Not Pete!"

"Then who?"

"…"

"What? I didn't hear that?"

"Lily."

"Lily? You told EVANS?"

"No! She figured it out on her own."

"EVANS figured it out?"

"Why do you say that in disbelief? You know that Lily is about ten times smarter than all of us—'cept Moony, of course. But he's being an idiot now, considering that he hasn't realized that you've been madly in love with him since fifth year."

"…"

"Stop wincing._ I'm_ the one who should be wincing._ You_ are the one on top of _me_."

"Oh. Sorry about that, mate. Heat of the moment."

"Moment's over. Off."

"…"

"Thank you."

"So…do you really have to say that I'm madly in love with him? It sounds so…"

"Poofy? Well, you are a poof, so you need to get used to it."

"You have such a way with words, Prongs."

"Do we need to refer back to your somersaults, chocolate frogs, and good throwing up analogy?"

"No. I'll pass."

"…"

"So…only you and Evans know about this, right?"

"Uh…not exactly."

"'Not exactly'? What does 'not exactly' mean? How many other people?"

"Well, there's Lily's best mates, Alice and Katherine. Oh, then Frank, of course; you know he's really good with all that touchy-feely stuff. And Gabrielle…oh, and Louis. Martin figured it out, too. And Peter knows, obviously, thanks to The Shower Incident. George and Trina know, and Trina pointed out the signs to Cassie, who mentioned it to John and Bridgette. And you know that it's impossible for Bridgette to keep a secret, so…"

"So every Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, and Ravenclaw knows except for Moony?"

"Actually…there are some Slytherins."

"Kill me now."

"Sorry, I don't think I could handle Azkaban. Lily would break it off."

"How does EVERYONE know?"

"Because you're so obvious."

"How am I obvious?"

"'Remmy, will you help me with my Astronomy homework?'"

"First of all, my voice is not that high pitched. And secondly, why would I ask anyone else for help? You and Pete are just barely passing."

"'Remmy, do you know how good you look in green? It brings out the sage specks in your eyes.' 'Remmy, your hair feels so soft.' 'Remmy, you smell good.' 'Remmy, you look adorable when you whack Jim over the head with rolls of parchment.' 'Remmy, I've suddenly decided that I can't wash my back, even though I've been doing it for the past seventeen years. Will you get into the shower and do it for me?'"

"There was so many things wrong with that. I've never said 'sage' in my life, I said he looked cute when he clobbered you with parchment, I couldn't wash my back because my arm was in a brace, I _do not _call him 'Remmy' that much, and am I really that obvious?"

"Yeah, Pads. You are."

"Shit."

"You're lucky Moony has chosen to be clueless about it."

"I guess I am."

"Don't worry, though. Luckily for you, Lily is with Moony right now in the common room explaining it all to him."

"I'M GOING TO KILL YOUR BLOODY GIRLFRIEND!"


	2. Chapter 2

"Hey, Remus."

"Hey, Lily."

"Mind if I sit down?"

"It's the common room, Lily. Of course."

"What I meant was…we're friends, Remus."

"Yes, we are."

"So…can I ask you a friendly question?"

"You aren't going to ask me out, are you? You're my friend, but I don't think I could ever…and James…"

"Oh! No. Don't worry. I've spent seven years training James, and I am not getting rid of him after all the time I've invested."

"Oh. Then, go ahead."

"I was wondering…what's wrong with you?"

"Um…Lily…you know about my…er…furry little problem."

"Not that. Sorry. _I told James we should have phrased it more delicately._"

"What was that? Sorry, I didn't catch the last bit."

"Never mind! Sorry. I should have asked that different. Um…it's just…you've been acting strangely latterly. I was wondering what was wrong."

"Nothing, really. Well, Sirius ran out of volumizing shampoo, so we have to listen to him complain until our Hogsmeade trip this weekend, but that's it."

"You'd like he was female, the way he goes on about his hair."

"James used to be just as bad until he accepted that there was no hope for his hair."

"And you?"

"My chocolate addiction makes me seem female enough. I don't need any more trouble."

"Like when Sirius gave you CPR last week when you almost choked on his expanding chocolate ball?"

"He seemed to miss the fact that I had already spit out the chocolate, and that even if it was still in my mouth, the Heimlich maneuver would have been appropriate for the problem. Instead, I got a mouthful of saliva."

"But he was _concerned._"

"Yes, but Sirius's concern usually lands people in the hospital wing."

"Well, you were fine…that time. Okay. Point taken. But it was still _sweet._"

"If incorrectly trying to save your choking mate, who isn't actually choking, is sweet, then I suppose it is."

"I think it is."

"Lily, I think the more apt question that should be asked now is what's wrong with _you_? As I can remember, you take most occasions to call Sirius a cocky prat."

"Well, he isn't _that _bad…"

"You're gritting your teeth."

"I'm making an effort! Get off it!"

"Sorry, sorry."

"No, I'm sorry. Redhead temper, and all."

"Don't worry, Lily. I'm used to you by now."

"Which means that you're used to me poking my nose where it doesn't belong?"

"It isn't one of your most desirable attributes, but I've dealt with your poking."

"Good. Because I've got a particularly big stick to poke you with today."

"What have I/Sirius/James/anyone done today?"

"It's not really about you—and it's about you—_doing _something."

"What did I not do, then?"

"You didn't not do anything, either. It's more…of a feeling. Your feelings. For a person."

"My feelings…for a person…"

"_Romantic _feelings."

"Lily, I thought you—"

"Not for me! For someone else!"

"I really don't know what you're talking about, Lily."

"_Bloody boys._"

"What?"

"Never mind. But, come on, Remus! You know you can tell me."

"Lily, I'd rather not—"

"Yes, you would. You've been worrying yourself with this, and you haven't been able to concentrate. I saw you look up from your book at least six times earlier today. You never do that."

"The book was boring—"

"No, it wasn't. You were distracted by your crush. Or, should I say, the person you're madly in love with?"

"Lily, I don't have a crush on anyone, much less am I madly in love with anyone."

"Yes, you do. Admit it, Remus. I'm your friend. I can keep a secret."

"Um…er…Violet Kingston. Yes. The pretty sixth year."

"Remus, that is the worst cover-up crush that I've ever heard. You could have at least picked someone that right gender."

"That was the right—wait. What did you…?"

"Oooh, sorry. Not the best way to break the news that I know that you're gay, is it?"

"Not exactly."

"Sorry."

"So…um…how long have you known?"

"A few months."

"And you're just saying something now?"

"I figured that if you wanted people to know, you would have told. I was going to wait until you came out…but then it just started to drive me crazy."

"That I'm gay?"

"No. That you're madly in love with someone and won't do anything about it."

"I told you, I'm not—"

"Remus, I do have eyes. Don't try to deny it."

"But I don't—"

"Just tell. You know that when I found out about your…eh…furry little problem, I didn't tell anyone."

"I know. Thank you."

"Of course. And that is why you can trust me with this."

"Lily, why do you keep pressing?"

"It's for your own good, Remus. I want you to be happy, and you're obviously not happy right now. I know how hard it can be. Having the man that you love be right there in front of you, but not being able to admit how head-over-heels you are for him. It hurts sometimes, and it's stressful. It took me about three years to get over my stubbornness and snog James in the middle of the common room. I don't want you to have to wait that long."

"Thanks, Lily."

"So…?"

"I'm still not madly in love with anyone."

"UGH!"

"Lily, really—"

"DENIAL! You're in DENIAL!"

"Lily, calm down. You're scaring me. I'm not in—"

"You spend all of your free time staring at him, you always smile at him, and you find any chance to make physical contact! You two are always talking and touching! You look at him, and then look away. Then _he _looks at you, and then looks away. And it's killing me how two clever people like you can't figure it out! I'm sick of watching it! It's driving me mad! So just walk up to him and TELL SIRIUS BLACK YOU'RE BLOODY IN LOVE WITH HIM!"

"…"

"…"

"Lily…did you have to say it that loud?"

"See? You _are _in love with him!"

"I never said—"

"REMUS LUPIN IS IN LOVE WITH—"

"Okay, okay! I love him! Happy?"

"Immensely."

"Everyone's staring at us."

"It's okay. They already knew."

"They KNEW?"

"Of course. You two are so obvious, it's hard to miss it."

"So the whole school knows that I'm in love with my best friend?"

"Well, a couple of Slytherins don't know, but most of them are clued in. And I don't think that Slughorn has figured it out yet…"

"Sweet Merlin."

"That wasn't the best thing to say either, was it?"

"Not really."

"Hold on. Does that mean HE knows?"

"Remus—"

"Did you tell him?"

"N—"

"Who told him? He's going to hate me!"

"He—"

"He'll never want to see me again! This is awful!"

"It—"

"I can't believe—"

"HE DOESN'T KNOW!"

"Oh."

"Sorry for the outburst. But you kept rambling."

"Oh. Sorry."

"It's okay."

"So…he _doesn't _know."

"No. Well, not yet, anyways."

"Not YET?"

"Yes. Don't worry, though. It won't be much longer. James is in the dorm with him right now telling him."

"JAMES is telling SIRIUS that I'm in LOVE with HIM?"

"Yes."

"Oh, Merlin."


	3. Chapter 3

"I am going to hang her by her bright red hair and—hullo, Evans!"

"Hullo, Sirius. James and I were just going to snog in by the fireplace, weren't we?"

"Of course, love."

"Okay, then. We'll just leave you and Remus to have a nice, long talk on the couch that NO ONE IN THE COMMON ROOM WILL GO NEAR UNLESS THEY WANT TO BE DISEMBOWLED. Have fun!"

"That was…er…strange."

"Hello, Moony."

"Go ahead and sit down, Padfoot."

"Of course. Er…"

"This is awkward."

"Yes it is."

"Thanks have been awkward lately, haven't they?"

"Yeah, they have."

"Weird, huh?"

"Very weird."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"So…look at Evans and Prongs. Never would have thought that those two would have gotten together, huh?"

"I suspected. She said that she…er…loved him for a long time, but was too stubborn to admit it."

"Which was why she invented new hexes to keep him away from her?"

"Basically, yes."

"People in love are strange, aren't they?"

"Yes."

"Prongs is even _reading _for her. Something other than comic books and dirty magazines, which he hasn't touched since they got together."

"It's almost frightening."

"Yeah."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Evans told you, didn't she?"

"Told me what?"

"I knew this would happen! I knew it! Why did I—"

"What?"

"Moony, I'm sorry. So sorry. I didn't mean…just forget about it, okay? It isn't important. Just an infatuation of sorts. Nothing serious. She exaggerated. She and James are insane."

"So…he told you? Didn't he? That's why you're… It's okay. I'll forget about it. You're right. Just an infatuation. James must have told you…and she _was _exaggerating…so…"

"I didn't mean…"

"Yeah…"

"So…"

"Yeah…"

"And…I'm just sorry. You know? Lily and James…quite the pair. Too damn clever and confident for their own good. So she just exaggerated…and he was too…so…"

"Yeah."

"And…"

"Yeah…"

"Good. I didn't want you to hate me because Evans had the silly notion that I was madly in love with you."

"Yeah. Wait…what?"

"Um…that's what she said…right? James told me that she was telling you…that I…loved you. In a more-than-best-mates kind of way."

"She didn't…"

"What? She…and I… I just rambled for nothing?"

"I thought James told you."

"Told me what?"

"So he didn't tell you?"

"Lily didn't tell you?"

"She didn't tell me…that."

"What was James going to tell me?"

"Um…nothing."

"Moony, I already told you what Evans didn't tell you…that. So what didn't James didn't tell me?"

"Um…same."

"Same?"

"Yeah."

"So…strange minds think alike, right?"

"Right."

"Yeah. That's good. So…they didn't lie. I don't know where they come up with this stuff."

"Yeah."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Sirius?"

"Yeah?"

"James…wouldn't be lying."

"What?"

"He just…"

"What is it?"

"If he would have said that…he wouldn't have been making it up."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Really."

"Wow."

"I know. It's okay, though, Padfoot. I don't expect—"

"No, that wasn't what I was wowing about."

"What were you wowing about?"

"The fact that for two smart people, we're very stupid."

"What do you mean?"

"We're both utterly clueless."

"How?"

"Because both of them were right."

"Lily and James?"

"Yeah."

"You mean…?"

"Yeah. I love you too, Moony."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"That was…nice."

"I just snogged you in front of the whole common room and all you can say is that it was 'nice'?"

"It was _very _nice."

"…"

"…"

"Let's go upstairs."

"Why?"

"Because all of the clapping and cheering is giving me a headache, and I want to snog my boyfriend in peace."

"I agree."

"So…"

"So…"

"Maybe Evans and James aren't as devious as we thought."

"I'll make sure to thank them at some point."

"_After _I'm done snogging you senseless?"

"Much after."

oOoOo

"I think we make very good matchmakers, Mr. Potter, even if we did have to resort to yelling at them."

"Did you scare poor Moony?"

"He admitted to being in love with Sirius. It worked in the end."

"We should start a matchmaking service. How about 'Potter and Evans: Matchmakers Extraordinaire'?"

"I like it…but it should be 'Evans and Potter', not 'Potter and Evans'."

"How about just 'The Potters'?"

"I like that. I like that very much."

"As much as Pads and Moony love each other?"

"Possibly even more."


End file.
